


A Hubert Carol

by Bettycrocker100piecebakingset



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Gen, Inspired by A Christmas Carol, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-26
Updated: 2019-12-26
Packaged: 2021-02-26 11:21:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21968497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bettycrocker100piecebakingset/pseuds/Bettycrocker100piecebakingset
Summary: Hubert experiences the Christmas carols.
Kudos: 1





	A Hubert Carol

**Author's Note:**

> This will change your life forever. Uploaded on Christmas day just in time

_**Chapter One: The Infernal Persuasion...**_ \

_“We are going to beat you to death!”_ -Santa’s elves

Hubert was sitting around doing some sort of work at his desk, endlessly writing “You are ugly and stupid and not worth my time” on everyones requests for new rice krispies cereal ideas. It was also a cold winters day. This was supposdto go first. Uhmm

> WE zoom in on Huberts rice Krisbnty shop, “Whorebert’s Devilish Delights”

Whgy did you center this? Th **I DIDNT I INDENTED IT!!th** ought his brain

Hubert was extremely sleep deprived. This will be relevant later. He growled audibly as ferdinand his only emploryer that had lasted the seasonal term since everyone else got terminated salaciously approached him homosexually….(a/n: whoa!)

“Well, well Hubert. You are quite busy as usual I see.” Ferdinand approached, dropping a tasteful nude on his eesm,dk desk. “Well I was just weondering hubypoo… I could use some more money for the christmas feast I am having!! (tee hee) It is at my house just pretend my roommate is not there…”

Hubert kept writing and writing and felt insane because he could feel ferdinand’s deep, gay, homosexual stare burning the bookcase behind him but was in rice krispney trance

“So i was owndering if I could get a riase?” ferdie asks shyly… :(

“Okay” Hubert **not** smiled.

This made ferdinand actually smile nad he put an inviation to the feast on hubie’s desk and then also said something iconic and original: “Goddess bless us, everyone!” This will be relevant later.

“Psyche!” Hubert slapped the check out of Ferdies hands. Hubert. And Hubert said “Psyche! I would never be nice. Have fun having your party with your stupid roommate Ignatz and your two-cent chicken instead of a christmas turkey! I **WON’T** be showing up.” 

Ferdinand took all his power in holding back his tears because (secret) he has a homosexual feeling for Hubert :( But unfortuantely hubiplier is evil… So Ferdinand pretended it was no big deal and just started knocking rice krispies boxes off hubert’s desk. “Okay that is fine… I guess… goddess unbless us or something…” he grimaced loudly. “May I least have the rest of the day off to prepare my two-cent chicken?”

“It will be a cold day in hell before that happens. Start gathering more Rice Krispies Ideas.”

Ferdinand left anyways. Hubert also decided that he didn’t want to work anymore oh. Hubert also decided he didn’t want to work anymore . Before he left he threw Ferdinand’s invitation in the fiyah. The two of them left the building when work was over while it burned to the ground (from the bookcase fire). Hubert would have Ferdinand cover the damage expenses.

Hubert simply hated the holiday season. There was simply too much merriment. He simply only liked evil things because he was simply evil. Sometimes he liked his son, Shuichi, but his son was an evil infant. Hubert cast a dark spell upon the people he passed on his way to his mansion of doom thusly causing numerous accidents. Ashe, a local little lad, approached Hubert in a frenzy as he walked the evil path home.

“Excuse me, ugly gargoyle. I was wondering if you would donate some money to this orphanage? We want to give the kids an exciting christmas :}” Ashe accidentally did a grinch smile but his niceness was still reflecting powerfully. 

“What? ‘I’ don’t ‘give’ ‘children’ ‘things’” Hubert explained as he teleported into the floor and clipped through the sidewalk. In his mind he turned Ashe into a packing peanut but unfortunately even his twisted ways could not absolve reality of its flaws.

Ashe fell to the ground and sobbed, also clipping through the sidewalk. Hubert was starting to lag because his connection to the server was faulty. Whatever he would one-shot Ashe later. Gargoyles weeren’t even evil enough to capturehubert’s dark terrifying twisted sick little mansquirto mind…. And these are just mansquirto words to describe him.

He arrived to his mansion fairly quickly, making sure to trip everyone who looked happy along the way. His mansion was in the middle of nowhere but he didn’t mind the 3 hour walk. It was an impossible piece of archietecture that was on top of a hill that always had scary clouds surrounding it. Hubert turned the mailman that he saw putting mail in his mailbox into the package he ordered that never came. He opened it with his x-ray vision then teleprted it and himself into his house of horrors.

He teleported himself into his comfy evil chair in his dark scary lair. Nothing like biting the mailman to get him into the mood of opening packages. He chuckled to himself, and read the address out loud to himself, “ **NAME AND ADDRESS WITH ELF** ” He wasn’t sure where that was despite it needing to be the address of his house. He can’t read. “ **NAME AND ADDRESS WITHHELD** ” but since Hubert hated being wrong he changed it and this caused scary things to happen :(

Hubert’s cherished baseball cards from 1994 were in the package! Finally! He chortled as these items had costed a mere $6789793028. Enjoying the pleasure of adding these timeless relics to his baseball card collection, Hubert remembered his wild beast of an employee. While Ferdinand was incredibly sexy and was a smart competent man with motivation, Hubert liked to be mean to him because if HE had to work today then someone had to suffer with him. It seemed only natural. Edelgard quit the business years ago to go into candle making so all he had left wias Hubert (himeself) and Fred. That was his name, he was pretty sure. 

“Mmm I’m so sleepy mmrrr” Hubert shouted quietly. He took great pleasure in knowing his underpaid employee would be sleeping in an un-air conditioned house with a two-cent chicken boiled in the sparse hot water they could afford. Imagine not owning things. It made him sick. He put on his designer slippers with Ren and Stimpy on them, his bathrobe from Gucci with Ren and Stimpy on it, and his sleeping mask that was of a bunny rabbit and made of $2000000000 pink silk. Um an<3 he wa tdode more mone for being crazs ricople han soh and 

Yether perryah we gmayyet it. So hes sleeping now. Hes sletp. Hubert dreamed several times. One such dream involved Ferdinand, his sick poor little cockslut of an employee. This is all that may be said due to the nature of this dream. During the middle of a particularly hilarious dream where Ashe clipped into it for mere moments before clipping back out, a strange noise startled him from his slumber. Taking off his bunny mask he scowled and scanned the room.

“Felix if you’re breaking in again you simply must tell me how you got past my lazer beam gargoyles,” Hubert smiled ominously to no one. 

Felix however was not there and instead was getting pounded this christmast eve. Good for him. It was, as they say, all he wanted for Christmas this year. Hubert however did see a faint image of… a gay man in a robe?

Another scary nooise this time of chains rattling sounded throughout his house which had great acoustics. The gay man in the robe had those cool chains that um like, goth people have and stuff which didn’t go with his outfit so Hubert assumed he was dumb, gay, and poor. A triple threat.

“Stop thinking about me, its embarrassingembarrassing.” a second time for emphasis. Stepping out of the shadows was the specter of Linhardt, a guy who worked for Hubert for a little while. One of the worst employees he’d ever had. Hubert grimaced. 

“How did you get into my house. Its nigh impenterable. DONM’T correct me I know what I’m saying.” Hubert scowled evilly. 

“I’m a ghost, dipshit. I’m here to talk about your problems. Not all of them. That would take too long.” Awful canned laughter resounded from all around them. If Hubert hadn’t had his fear glands remove, this situation would be terrifying. “So I guess basically, your cazy <3” Linhardt said the heart out loud somehow.

“I know. Now leave me be, foul apparition. I have some sleep to catch up on.” 

“You won’t be getting sleemp tonight!” Linhardt said. “You will instead be visited by three spirits. Ugh this is stupid” and Linhardt disappeared before Hubert could ask for elaboration.

_How wrong could you be? I will get so much sleempt tonight._ Hubert thought as he reattached his mask and crossed his arms to be in the vampire position before attaching himself to the ceiling. _Probably just another curse from Sylvain for not triple liking his instagram post. His new Scentbird sponsorship that is inevitably another scam looked enticing but I have to resist the addiction_

But before he could actually sleep, he heard more noises that interuppted his beautiful slumber. He peeked one eye open before realizing he still had his mask on. He ate his mask. “Linnypoo?”

But it was not Linnypoo. Instead he saw a gay guy dressed with an eyepatch and a cape. He looked also like a ‘ghost’ or whatever else Linhardt was supposed to be these days. 

“Hello? I’m looking for a Mr. Vestra?” The appariation called out as Huevbert began his descent downwards scarily. “I have to- Oh Seiros What the fuck is that” The ghoist jumped back 30 feet when he made eye contact with Hubert who was still floating down upside down. 

“Another visitor…. You are not Linniplier.” However, using his brain which had several unique abilities, Hubert recalled that Linhardt said some words to him before disappearing. Something about three ghosts that would visit him. But he wiped his memory becuase he hated thinking about umm poor people I guess :(

“You’re really scary:(“ the spirit said sadly. “Can I show you something?”

“No.”

The spirit was dumbfounded. “I… I will just take you anyway, I guess.” Hubert thought it’d be another cold day in hell before he was doing things with random gay-looking ghosts but apparently it was just happening.

This ghost was oversharing a lot as they went wherever they were supposed to go. “So basically I wrote my life as a trilogy. Oh, I’m Dimitri by the way. Haha. So it all began when I was born, basically, oh we’re here.”

“Where the fuck are we”

“Read the next sentence”

The duo descended in the middle of sunny day in Hubert’s childhood home. Inside the house sat Hubert’s parents and a little baby Hubert (a/n I know just try to imagine it without throwing up). Hubert knew this scene all too well but decided to let Dimitri finish whatever gay sentence he was going to say next before biting him like some sort of feral beast.

“I am the ghost of Christmas Past… Today we will gaze into your past and figure out why you hate Christmas so much and giving to people and maybe why you shaved your eyebrows…” Dimitri gestured grandly towards the scene that now played before them.

Hubert’s horridble terroble father was reading the newspaper. “Oh, hehe, Christmas in July. I love Christmas.” 

Hubert remembered vividly his vow after that life-changing moment that he was never going to enjoy Christmas, merriment, or charity ever again. It made him sick just to think about all those years he spent having fun, if you coud even call it that.

Baby Hubert in the memory looked so angry. “I will hate Christams forever then...:”

“Wow, that’s it?” Dimitri looked sort of shocked. “I mean, whoa, very telling. You’re really fucked up.:”

“Is this all you came here to do? I already know my vow I was the one who made it”

“Yes.” They instantly teleported back. Dimitri was nowhere to be found, and Hubert was tucked all nicely into bed.

Hubert tried to go back to sleepytime but sudenly he heard another noise in his house. He sincerely hoped it was Felix. At least Felix didn’t have magic powers or was a ghost or whatever. But, as mentioned before, Felix was getting the fuck of his life. 

Instead Hubert peaked around his house of terror and found another ghost. Fuck how many was that. He quickly tried counting on his fingers but htne the spirit started speaking words to him.

“Have you already been visited by the G of CP? Ghost of Christmas Past. I don’t want to do this out of order this is supposed to change your whole life. I’m Claude, by the way. The Ghost of Christmas Present :)” Claude stuck out his hand but in his hand was a tasteful nude of Lorenz. “ **WOah okay thats personal.** Pretend you didn’t see that please.” But it was already etched into Hubert’s brainstem. Good god when the roast beast hits

“If you were at an airbnb I would kill you there,” Hubert informed him. He was so sick of these stupid gay ghosts. Literally all of them were gay. Hubert was also gay.

“Okay,” Claude teleported them somewhere

It was the ugliest house he had ever seen and it definitely seemed like gay people lived there. Hubert almost passed out when he recognized something on the front of the door. Ferdinand’s cheeto wreath. He nearly threw up, that is if he still had a stomach he would have. Being a vampire had its perks.

“Wow,” claude was also looking at the wreath made of delightful ferdie-colored cheetos. “Um. wow. Okay.” He was still looking at it. He was starting to look sick. “Let’s just step inside.”

Inside was Ferdinand creating yet another Cheeto wreath to go with all the other cheeto themed decorations that he was mailing to friends and family. Claude saw that there was a cheeto garland with “TO: Claude” written on it, so he used his powers to make it say “TO: Hubert” instead. It worked!

Ferdinand was talking to himself. “I can’t wait to make the cheeto mistletoe for hubert… hehe… do you think he’ll kiss me under it?” Ignatz wasn’t even in the room. Literally talking to no one. But the reflection of Ferdinand in the mirror smiled and nodded sagely.

Claude looked like he had no idea what to say. “You see… um… well, these people sure are making the most of christmas with what they have. I guess this person. You know him?”

Hubert couldn’t bear the truth. “No.”

“Well, still. There’s an important lesson to be learned here. You can let joy into your heart like this wretched little creature has.” Claude was watching Ferdinand conversate with his reflection. “He’s like a reverese vampire. This is so fascinating.”

Claude looked at Hubert finally. “I think we’re done here.” They teleported back and Hubert was tucked in but now his blankie was too short and his ren and stimpy slippers he slept with were sticking out from under the covers. This sucked so fucking bad.

Once again “calude” was no where to be seen. Hubert was starting to think this was some sick joke. Maybe this time he would sleep. He was pretty sure he had met the required number of Linhardt ghosts. But the goddess had other plans. 

Just as he found a different blankie to sleep under, there was more rattling and ghost sounds. Hubert still hadn’t learned anything along the way, so he had to see whatever Dumb bullshit this last ghost would bring.

“Whorebert. It’s been a while.” Hubert knew that voice anywhere.. Could it be? His old friend, Edlegarde? “Yes it is me. I can read your mind. Stop thinking about the cheeto wreath I know he’s getting me one too its already terrifying having it in my brain already.”

“What terrible image do you have to show me.” Hubert scoffed. He was playing it cool. “Perhaps of that guy I made fun of with his orphanage? Or the time I told a ghost I’d kill him in an airbnb? I have nothing to hide. What future could you possibly show me?”

“This is going to blow your dick clean off” **Edelbarg** offered her hand and Hubert didn’t take it but they still went through a time warp which played The Mickey Mouse Disney Electrical Parade. The music continued playing once they arrived at Edelgard’s sick destination of torture.

It was a sexy little cemetery with smoke and scary stuff. Edelgard looked kind of surprised they were there. It was like these ghosts were on their first job as time-traveling holiday spirits. The two of them were really close to one tomb in particular.

Hubert laughed. “hm:) ? I have seen far too many gravestones to be intimidated by this one”

“Perhaps you have yet to read the text. Look closer.” She pointed to the gravestone, and etched into the tomb’s header was ‘HERE LIES HUNERT VON VERSTA. UNLOVED (EXCEPT BY FERDINAND) GARGOYLE. EMOTIONLESS BOTTOM’. “That’s more brutal than I remember it.”

“Good goddess, they almost got my name right,”

“Almost?” Edelgard looked sad. 

“I have learned my lesson, specter.” He didn’t really. He just really hated seeing his name misspelled and now how everyone in the cemetery now knew he was a bottom. “Just get this horrid image out of my sight.” Lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllnhardt. !

Edelgard was holding back her tears. Why didn’t she spellcheck the tombstone. It was too late now. She teleported them back. 

This time Hubert was completely naked save for his slippers. He ate the damn things and put on new pajamas. Now it was the time to reflect and maybe he should be nice to people lest his name get misspelled and everyone find out he’s a bottom. Instead Hubert knocked the fuck out.

When he awoke on Christmas morning, Hubert had dreamed of sexy cheeto boy Ferdinand all night and decided he would head to Ferdinand’s house and home to deestroy all of his cheeto decorations. He put on his best robes imported straight from hell, and threw open the doors of his mansion and scarily proclaimed, “Merry Christmas, everyone!” Bernadetta, who was carolling nearby, ran away in terror as she had never seen a man so ugly in her life. 

He ‘merrily’ ‘strolled’ down the street and saw Ashe again. “ **You.** ” he garbled, speed-walking towards the lad at an alarming pace. Ashe made a quick prayer to the goddess because he was sure he was to die in mere moments as Hubert approached. “Merry Christmas. It might just be your last.” He dropped several millions of dollars into the pot Ashe was using to collect coins and Ashe only howled in fear.

Next stop was Ferdinand’s cheeto cottage. The cheeto wreath. The moment Huby saw it he barreled towards it to deciamte it with his claws and powers. Instead Ferpinand opened the door right as Hubert appraoched it.

“H-Hubert? I can not come to work because your business got burned down yesterday,” Ferdinand said shyly and also gayly. “Unless… no… it could not be. You are here for the Christmas feast?” He didn’t wait for an answer. “Please, step inside. Everyone is here already. Allow me to slip into something more… comfortable.” He winked and ushered Ubert inside.

Everyone was here already! All his ‘friends’ from Garreg Mach University were all there, wining and dining and they all brought food like it was some sort of fun gay potluck. The most notably at first was Linhardt, who was stealing Caspar’s weird drink in a cheeto cup. 

“You’re supposed to be dead.” Hubert started. Everyone immediately stared at him like he said something really weird at a party. You know the image. “You appeared to me in a vision as a ghost in the dead of night last night.”

Linhardt didn’t chuckle but Caspar did for him. “Oh, that? I was simply astral projecting. It’s about that time of year where I torment a former friend or coworker. You seemed the perfect hit in the middle of the night.”

Huberyt had to process this but was then shocked when he saw the three spirits of christmas also at the party! “So… you all astral projected too?” He said to them despite them being several feet away and in four different conversations.

Linhardt sent him a telepathic message of his taco bell order. “I think yuou just hadn’t slept for 400 hours.”

That was true but who was counting? Hubert suddenly decided that he was going to enjoy the “festivities” of this partay. Once Ferdinand showed up again in his light-up Christmas sweater with a cock and balls on it hubert almost immediately took it back. 

Ignatz walked in wearing a better christmas sweater and smiled. “Goddess bless us, every one!” Everyone cheered except Ferdinand who had said it earlier so he just seethed in his cock and balls sweater. The cresdits rolled.

## The End


End file.
